Stronger Woman in Me…

here come the water works… not only will my baby be 1 in 3 days, but we moved him into become roommates with Hank tonight.. although all 3 of my babes are literally 10 steps away from me, and they are all bunked up together for the world’s best slumber party, here I sit, crying alone in my room..

I want to be in there. I want to be covered by tiny sweaty little feet, and heavy arms pinning me down to a 4 foot wide mattress.. I want to be listening to twinkle twinkle little star in 3 repeating keys overplay all night.. I want to be hearing little snotty snores in my dreams..

But yet every day I find myself wishing away their baby stages just to have one moment of freedom.. freedom from what? This is my LIFE.. from here on out, 24/7 this is who I AM.. WHo i have become.. on my own doing.. why am i trying to free from it after only 5 years? and why now, as I sit, with 8 hours of “freedom” from kids in my room am i wishing the only place now that i was, was in the midst of 3 tiny, flailing,baby magic smelling bodies?

I struggle every day with this, I struggle every night with this.. IT has become MY STRUGGLE and every time I stop to think about it I have to talk myself down from a spiral into negative town. I am so hard on myself, although I have written about being strong and stop the hate towards ourselves.. everyday I find a new struggle.. I have to let go.. I have to find it inside myself to let go.. I hope by outpouring my heart and hearing I’m not alone will eventually allow me to accept the craziness that is my brain.

For the past 5 years, since becoming a mom.. I have done nothing but try to figure out who I am.. how silly is that? I mean I have taken random medical terminology classes, and applied for crazy off the wall jobs like fish hatchery maintenance ( what the hell is a fish hatchery?) I have switched jobs in hopes for advancement.. I have interviewed and third degree people on professions I’ve never even heard of. I have googled top 10 stay at home jobs and which are scams.. And all the while.. Stella became a kindergartener, Hank potty-trained and Finn can damn near run. Where did time go, and what have I gained? What did I learn from posting help me’s and how to’s? What did my kids eat for lunch today? better yet, what’s for dinner tomorrow? I’ve been so worried about so many of the wrong things, that I have let so much opportunity slip through my fingers here at home where it should matter the most…Always worried about making the bills, and making sure the house looks nice.. Nice for who? the same 5 people who come everyday? for the 3 hilarious little kids who just want to tear it apart so they can “help” me clean it back up? but yet, there I was, my entire Sunday instead of dancing in the rain and cuddling with the most snuggly, teething, snotty 1-year-old, I was tearing apart closest, trying to pinterest best organization tips, and checking Facebook for new comments on job opportunity posts. and here I sit just wanting them to wake up at midnight so I can kiss them and rock them back to sleep.

 

Don’t get me wrong.. I do so much with my kids, I try sooo hard to be the best mom. I make homework books, and i buy healthy foods and for the most part always have great lunches and O.K. dinners (thanks pinterest). But that’s not all I have to give and I sadly know that. I know that if i spent half the time i do Googling how to advance a hair styling career, and used that towards baking cookies from scratch and really messing up the kitchen, Stella probably wouldn’t be so fearful of making messes. Maybe, if I used all the time I spend looking up the best money-making jobs at home, instead of yelling at Hank for drawing on my pillows, I could have notice that at 3 he was actually making shapes and drawing half ass letters..I’ve got to let go of my constant cleaning and then maybe I would have more time to spend breathing in the last of Finn’s baby features and I wouldn’t feel like time has been stolen.. Because they deserve all of my attention, they deserve all of my moves every day.. they didn’t ask to be brought here to be ignored and scolded.. I was GIVEN them so that I could TEACH them how to make this world a better place for them and how I could become a better me. Maybe then, if i treated myself with love and respect for just who I am, I can change the world like I want to soo badly. I keep saying i want to do something that means something and how stupid it is that I look anywhere else to do that than through those 3 little miracles I have.. it’s time to stop. This is what I was put here to do, this is the career I was given, eberything else is just a talent.

Truth is, I really don’t even want to pee alone, I don’t do anything important in there anyway so why can ‘t i untie shoes, and reverse clothes , and hold a sweet little boy on my lap? Why am I yearning for so much alone time? so much me time… when I’m alone all i do is pick myself apart. all i do is worry about how many bills are coming tomorrow and how the hell are we going to pay them so start the spiral on Ohio means jobs and google more schools approved by the online degree world.. Why do I want that kind of time anyway? I have tried meditating and still my brain is consumed with worry..

All I can think of right now staring at the empty corner in my room is how badly I want that toe catching, knee bruising crib back in here. What I wouldn’t give to hear that annoying sound machine back on my dresser. I pray that someone wakes up through the night so I can sneak away and sleep in that tiny twin bed with 3 people and a german shepherd.. And I can (now sadly by kid 3) tell people to F OFF about co sleeping and letting my kids cry it out and stop the midnight bottles….IT WONT LAST FORVEVER.. hell it won’t even last 2 years.. Let them need you.. let them want you every second of the day… be there constant.. be there rock.. be there only one.. because damnit, you are a MOM.. you are important.. you are the reason.. for everything. BE ENOUGH. and for God’s sake.. Let it Be.

XOXO

Thanks Jewel :

I guess you could say I’m one of those girls
That’s always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it’s better than crying
I’m worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I’m not welcome here
Just when he’s hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
‘Cause come the morning light, oh
I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
The stronger woman in me

I’m going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again, never, no,
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I’ve lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well from now on I’m going to be
The kind of woman I’d want my daughter to be, oh

I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
A stronger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won’t lose myself again, never, no
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I’m going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There’s a stronger woman in me
I’m going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again, never, no
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah…