What I Need 

At first I was ashamed of the recent revelation I have come too. I felt weak, and I couldn’t accept that it was okay. I was in a darker place and was having trouble allowing anything to come in, let alone make me feel better. It was there that I finally realized it.
As parents we know a lot of things, we know that the mixing ration for formula is 2 oz H2O + 1 scoop, we know that kindergarten seems way harder than we remember it being, we know every snack day, work schedule, doctor appointments, and holiday breaks. We know that if Mom says no, Dad usually says yes. We know that our children see and hear eveyrthing, we know just exaclty how to heal a skinned knee, or broken heart…More specifically, as mothers, we know that when we look at these humans we grew, that we are all they need. Our arms, our voice, our hearts, are the entire world to these children we have been blessed with. We feel strong, we feel needed, we feel whole. Because of them.

What I recently had to come to terms with was this : aside from all the wondering how I came to be blessed with three children, I finally switched my wording and it made perfect sense. My children need me, yes, but at the same time, ” I need them.” This was a hard concept to grasp because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that as a 5, 3 and 1 year old, they had the responsibility of taking care of me. Of them reminding me that is was gym day, and that tomorrow is early realease. I couldn’t fathom the thought of me depending on them to be my alarm clock, of them to have to remind me of why I am who I am. Then it hit me. That’s the wrong way to look at this and to use this statement [“I need them”]…

I was having a hard time, as I usaully do, with a sudden overload with bills, and schedules, and attitudes, a messy house, and disorganization.. and that too is ok.. I have to remind myself that ‘It IS ok to get overwhelmed, it is ok to feel scared and helpless…” it’s the getting back up, back to it and past it that is the important part, and to be honest, lately i’ve been struggling with even that part. You can only tred water for so long and so many times before your legs get tired. Honestly, I was really cracking at this point, I was even feeling sick and unhealthy. I could feel the stress of life literally taking over. Dramatic, I know, but it’s true. It’s hard to struggle with that feeling everyday, but a lot of people do it, and fortunately most people become stronger for it. So as I wollow in my own head, and really forge through another spiral of mass chaos in my own brain, I turn it all off for a few minutes on the way to Stella’s school. In this 2 minutes of beautiful, my whole way of thinking has been healed. As I listened to my 5 year old, who knows nothing about my sadness, sing me the words..
“everytime you miss the beat and life pulls you under, when you need your rhythm back i’ll be your drummer, no matter where you’re comin’ from I’ll see your true colors…”
As those sunk in, she finished with :
“if you come undone, I’ll be the one to make the beat go on and on . I’ll be your A-Z even if trouble’s coming You know I got it, I’m your girl. I’ll be whatever you need. Call me and I’ll come runnin’ You know I got it. I’m your girl.”

After swallowing my throat, I hugged her, kissed her and sent her off to school. The whole ride home, the words : ” I’ll be whatever you need” rang through my head over and over. I started to realize, that these children weren’t blessed with me, I was blessed with them. That as much as they need me I need them. I need them to stand tall when I bend. I need them to smile when I cry and I need them to hug me until my heart breaks. Not only did Stella’s serenade help me, but when we stopped at the park for fresh air, Hank must have told me 100 times he loved me. When we got home, Finn hugged me repeatedly and leaned in for a giant openmouthed slobbery kiss 10 times in a row…

I don’t know if they can sense the hurt, or if my eyes have just been closed, but my children save me every single day. The amazing, people they are is truely awe-binding to me everytime I slow down to look at them.
Don’t think I am a weak person, don’t think I am a not so great mother. Instead believe in the strength I have found to make life greater and more fulfilling. I have found a different way to look at things, and slowly but surely, it is creating the person in me that I want to be, not only for my kids, but for myself.


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