Sometimes when I get really caught up in my own dramatic bullshit of what all that I have sacrificed to become a mother and a wife, that I often forget about the life you also gave up too. I know as husbands and wives, things will not always be sunny and easy, but when entering into this life together we don’t take into consideration that we have just acquired a friend for life, and that through all the pain, suffering and hard times, it’s easy to forget whats really real and what’s exaggerated in our own heads. We instantly start throwing punches at our significant others, and as easy as hurtful things are to say in the heat of the moment, we forget the reality of the situation.
I think I have said it before, one of the best pieces of advice I can give to an expecting couple is that, after the baby is here and the glitter has worn off, do not be alarmed at the hatred you will have for your husband. I hold this true to this very day and will firmly and with confidence continue to spread that knowledge to others. It is with no scientific point why you will hate him, but you will. Not only during this time will you enter into a dark valley of MF-ing your spouse, because without a doubt, or a warning, it will strike you out of the blue to just take every negative thought, stressful situation, and doubtful heart out on your so-called loved one.
I know from personal experience that usually during those dark times, where I hate every part of my body, or start to reel down into the why me’s and how did life get this hard’s, that is when I usually start blaming not only myself, but Chad and the universe as well. It usually starts of harmless enough by just venting to him about how stressed out I am, or how terrible of a day it was, or especially when I have to wear jeans to work and tried all 17 pairs on and none of them worked, that I start to rattle off the I hate this’ and I gave up that’s..
“I gave up my body, that will never be the same ever again, to bear children for you.. (for you? like we are in the stoneage and I had to bear children to continue out some legacy) ( oh and like I didn’t want them too? )
“I gave up a really good paying job in a big city to move home to be with you and start a life” ( this one hurts every time I replay it in my head because it’s SO not fair to Chad, because I did give up a good job in a fun city TO be with him.. and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, yet I still continue to try to blame him )
” I gave up all of my own hobbies and interests to become a mom and I don’t even get to do do anything that I WANT too anymore.. ” ( hobbies? like what Erika, sleeping in until 10? or humane society jumping to collect a bunch of stray dogs you can’t afford? or maybe by hobby you mean buying a collection of work out dvds that will never see the light of day… ya, bigggg sacrifices over here! )
These are just a few of the comments I use and re-use when I am apparently trying to dramatically make myself feel better when Chad and I have any kind of fight. I instantly go there. I instantly stand victim to all I have helped do and with how sickly better it makes me feel in the heat of the moment, for weeks after I agonize and try endlessly to erase the guilt I feel after reliving those dramatic times. I think part of it comes from one of my other entries about finally being able to accept the blame myself, and finally realizing that some of the time it really is me, and the other part is just maturing into who I am, but recently I have felt some new feelings while trying to ” look from the other side of the stone” .
I always forget that I am NOT the only person who gave up a life I had to create a life I want. I always forget that before me and 3 kids, Chad liked to 4-wheel, snowmobile, and he lived to hunt. I forget that on a whim, he could pack up a 37″ t.v. , an X-Box and a case of beer and head over to anyone of his friends’ houses… I forget that he could shave his facial hair into a go-tee, moustache, or entirely off before my preference came to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the same thoughts that go through my head are the same that Chad feels. I don’t remember that men actually are capable of feeling insecure and scared of change. Men too, must have tolerance for anxiety, after all, underneath all that manly exterior, they’re human too. I have to cut a little slack to him too. I have to understand, that I was not the only one to just wake up one day and have a whole new set of responsibilities, a whole new meaning of life… a whole new role.
So I GUESS what this means is that I have to start watching what I ramble on about the next time I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I have to stop being so alone in this, because I’m not. Chad is my best friend and after all we have already been through together we have only matured and become better for it. I don’t want to take credit for this life and these blessings alone, and I don’t want to fault only myself or him for hard times, or moments of weakness. We are doing them together, we are facing them arm in arm, for richer or for poorer damnit, in good times and bad, together, forever..
I always forget..
I’ll never be alone.