Fuck you Internet 

5 Times the Internet Destroyed My Parenting… But I Still Won.
1.) Literally any article about parenting a newborn through toddler. I mean legit, you can’t get it right either way now a days. Sometimes I really do wonder what it would have been like to parent myself when I was growing up.. probably a lot less stressful than it is now with every other day some kind of new disease/parenting tool is trying to kill our children, or make us seem like bad parents for not knowing that “flame-retardent” causes cancer.. Like catch 22 here, either I take the chance of my baby catching fire, or take the risk of him/her getting cancer from breathing. WTF internet..is co sleeping bad or is it healthy? Is it more cost-effective and healthy, yet 100X more stressful to whip up my own delicatessen of baby food or are my 15 jars for 5.00 beech nuts going to rip the soul from my child and probably going to cause jaundice? Ya know what I think? Co-sleep if you want, swaddle them in whatever the hell you can afford and feed them the same pea and water food concoction our parents gave us and the rest of history fed their children..if t’s your choice for your own child, then your already doing it right…Go Fuck yourself internet, parenting is hard enough.
2.) The article about the candles….So I only have 2 boys so far ( and 1 girl but she doesn’t smell like a foot) but why in the hell do they always smell? LIke i bathe them, i lotion them, i wash their clothes but they still smell like a sweaty foot dipped in urine. On top of that, I thought it was cute to have 3 dogs..they just flat-out smell. My house is old, and full and it just smells..So ironically, after I just got done lighting my brand new ‘clean linen’ candle, I pull up Facebook to find an article about this woman who ” was disturbed when she looked up her baby’s nostrils…” apparently she found little black dots up her and her kids’ nose, took them to the Dr to find out…DUN DUN DUNNNNN….. it was ‘smoke’ collected in the nostrils of her children from her CANDLES!!! What a horrible mom! How DARE you light those candles knowing those sweet little babies were going to inhale and collect all that soot..right up their schnoz’s….SO what do I do? Hurry and use a flashlight to literally look up my kids’ noses’ ( where only boogars were found ), run outside and throw that carcinogen causing bitch right out into the field… curse it a few times for trying to out smart and poison me and my children but like Flo said…”NOT TODAY GLADE…NOT TODAY…” Feeling real good, I walked back into my house where I was greeted by a wave of urine, dander and musty old windows….so I composed myself and said a quick prayer to God to keep my kids and house safe, reached under the sink and pulled out the other ‘clean linen’ I had hidden under the sink ( they were 2 for $5 ) said ” Fuck you internet, and I lit that bitch…… how you gonna make me think I am poisoning my kids with a 2 oz. candle? How am I supposed to know that lady didn’t chain smoke or light her house up with candles like a funeral home? Go home internet, your drunk. And my house smells great.

3.) The “Do You Know What Is In Those?” food list…Listen, number 1. I grew up on pop tarts.. I binge on gummy bears, and no lunch was complete without a Capri Sun….I am so sick of spending my days googling ” benzoate” and ” poly quarantine 10-15″ and other ingredients that I have to copy and paste because I literally can’t even say them.. Do I care that ingredients I can’t even spell are in my kids’ food? Hell ya I do, but what am I going to do? do you know how many boxes of organic pop tarts I would have to buy to satisfy 3 children? well since only like 6 pop tarts come in those, the answer is flat broke…I am pretty sure polly wolly peptides were in my brown cinnamon sugars I was just eating 8 years ago every morning for breakfast..NO I don’t want to feed my kids chemical bull shit on purpose, so we plant a garden every summer and I do buy non hormonal shit, but as far as snacks go…ask any parent/teacher/or sitter.. unless you make six figures a year, there is literally no way to feed our ” Starving ALL DAY” children all organic fruities and non gluten gmo chips…EITHER FILL THE WHOLE DAMN PACKAGE OF ORGANIC SHIT, OR MAKE IT CHEAPER..because until then Internet, my children just scarfed a whole family pack of variety cheese doodles, and washed it down with a roarin water… and they look pretty damn satified…oh ya, and internet, don’t tell me to not have kids if I can’t afford to ‘feed them right’, because I’m pretty sure I’m raising a female president who’s going to kick some major ass in life… and her favorite snack just so happens to be air heads…artificial flavors and all..

4.) The app that allows people to upload photos of their “fit bit” progress…. Listen, I certainly don’t want to take away from you the fact that you are super healthy and in GREAT shape.. especially if you are in the middle of life changing diet and exercise and you are in the best health of your life.. but sometimes, us lowly out of shape people who chose to have 12 children and don’t have time to run to the gym at 3 in the morning and make our overnight oats get really super depressed instead of super motivated like I think were supposed to. I think its REALLY freaking awesome that you hit your goal time, and that you just bench pressed a heavyweight champ at 6 months pregnant, but when I see that Immediately start to hate myself and my life choices.. like ‘ why can’t I have the determination to get up and go do the gym thing before my kids get up? why can’t I meal prep for 3 weeks of clean eating? And don’t get me wrong, that’s not your fault, it’s just my weak self-esteem and jealousy coming out…But low and behold, just for shits and giggles, I wore a fit bit all day one time from morning to-night of chasing kids, making meals and nap times… and wouldn’t ya know it, I hit WELL over 10,000 steps….So I guess I was a little hard on myself for nothing….motherhood is a new kind of exercise that I AM totally committed too..! my diet even works because I eat left overs which is usually under 500 calories of whatever left on the plate.. and I wear kids around my ankles like weights.. Bring it on Fit Bit.. bring it on.
5.) The DON’T EAT this and DON’T DO that lists of things to do while pregnant… Just in the last 6 years since having Stella… the list of what not to eat during pregnancy has literally doubled.. and I am pretty positive that I had consumed the second half of that list through 3 pregnancies already.. And here I thought packing home-made lunches with turkey and cheese subs and water with mint and a tea bag in it were making me such a better mom.. Turns out cold cuts are a huge leader in the cause of still-born and tea during pregnancy can cause premature labor… WTF internet.. my Grandma smoked, drank wine and took aspirin through 5 pregnancies and guess what? she had some bomb ass daughters… I am pretty sure that eating some queso dip isn’t as bad as the million pills you want to prescribe me for morning sickness, headaches and insomnia.. I thought those things were all standard pregnancy symptoms and that dealing with those for 9 months made us stronger, and “ready for the sleepless nights”? So you want to give me medication for that but I can’t take 3 tums in more than 59 hours or else the baby might come out with acid reflux? Whatever, I feel like my gut instincts are pretty spot on and if I’m feeling one day like that sliced beef sandwich from jo john and the e.coli clan down the street looks like a bad choice, I probably will just go to subway instead….Don’t tell me what I can and can’t put in my body (pregnant or not) when there are still WAYY too many healthy baby’s born to drug addicted parents and they get the excuse of having a “real mental problem” .. I really don’t think my bologna sandwich is going to cause gluten intolerance or premature birth…thanks but no thanks… I like my O-S-C-A-R M-E-Y-E-R

SO not all of what I have said are hard facts.. but literally I know most of you have seen all of these articles or most of them floating around.. As parents and humans we are hard enough on ourselves and are already so critical of every choice we make, do we really need a million and 2 critics from both sides of the fence trying to sway our lives into a series of What Do I Do’s? Look into your heart, become one with your gut, and just do what you feel is right for you and or your kids… There is no right answer for co sleeping, there will always be some kind of preservative in junk food…people will always make us jealous… but it’s about how we choose to finally look at the options and take a stand for what we want for ourselves without creating a picket line for those on the opposing side.. Just live, for yourself, not for your posts. or for the internet, or for what you just read.. Just live for you your families and the good that life has to offer… you only get one chance, so don’t make life too hard on yourself.. it’s supposed to be a blessing.


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