Anxiety, its got a hold on everyone these days. The more we think the more we question and the more we question the more we fear…Honestly, after 4 kids I have been through more mentally in the last 8 years than I have in the last 30. One thing I have come to reason with is… sometimes we’re just broken, and ya know what, that’s ok. What I mean by broken is that beautiful way that no matter what measures we take, we feel so deeply about everything, we are more sensitive than wet tissue paper, and we second guess literally every thought that crosses our brain…. but its okay, because sometimes, its not us, it’s you….
I don’t mean to sound rude or inconsiderate of all the opinions, advice, or articles you’ve thrown at me, but with kind regards… Shove it. Some people have this way, whether out of pure genuineness or not, of making us feel like we always have to be fixed..
Believe it or not, but over the course of my life I have never had either confidence or self esteem. Probably the biggest issue when working in the beauty industry is literally not being able to work standing in front of a mirror when at home you avoid anything with a reflection like the plague… No good comes of it I assure you this, and unfortunately I have let that fear take away something that I truly loved… I , already worried and anxious of what you’ll think, let you who knows only what you’ve read “online” dictate my work, my knowledge and my artistic ability. Because you sensed my vulnerability, I became weak and you powerful… I have tried to go back to school, get certifications, find dumb jobs, and basically continually try to figure out who I am, when all in my heart I know who i want to be and I can’t because I’ve let expectation outweigh truth, I’ve let self doubt and closed eyes take over my reflection and I have let every voice speak at me instead of for me….
This is 30 though, this is me, this is who I am….no matter what I study, what I read, and what I convince myself of , I will never be “fixed”. I can go sometimes 2 months without a peep of anxiety, but no matter how hard I try, one bad day and it’s a week before I can let up on myself…and that’s ok because in those moments, the older I have gotten the wiser I have become and the less I let it take hold of me and I use these feelings to fuel my love of writing and laughter. I have reazlied that if I continue to let attitudes, and pedastals dictate my abilities, and my confidence, and people continue to “help” by suggestiing how to fix my broken, I will never live, i will never enjoy, i will never let go… and I need too above all else, let go.
Its time I stand up for me, beautifully broken and fearfully made. This is me, it’s who I am , and while i may not be able to look you in the eye because I am terrified of judgement, I will be your source for comfort, rest and I would break my back to lessen your load.. So don’t judge those who seem broken.. we are only that way because we carry so much…. just stop trying to fix us… we are who we are and most days, we get it right, damnit.